"Discovery" Autobiography

I Birth Facts

I was born August 5th, 1985 at St. Joseph’s hospital in Denver. My parents lived in Denver up to that point and then bought a house in Westminster, where I spent my life from the time before I can remember anything up to the end of third grade.  My name is Robert James Hultman. My first name was originally Hrodebert in Old High German, and means bright fame or bright glory. The form Robert is from Old French.  I was named after my father’s dad, Robert Jerome Hultman and my mother’s dad, James Griffith Thomas.  I was the second of my mother’s four cesarean-sections. She had four because she is a pretty tiny lady and the doctors sorta made that decision.  Once you’ve had one C-Section, I guess that’s the way they usually go from then on.

II Family and Home

I look a little bit like my mother, but like I said she’s shorter and built pretty petite.  She is a gentle and sensitive person, and she’s one of the smartest people I know. My dad is a big dude, six feet and two inches tall.  A former Army Engineer. I look more like him than my mom. My middle brother Michael looks most like mom. The milkman’s kid, we’ve joked since he was little.  My youngest brother Joey looks more like dad than I do, and then my half-brother looks a lot like his dad. My half brother, Justin and I were thick as thieves as kids, for some better but mostly worse.  

We are a white American family like many others.  My mom was born in 1959 and raised in Pueblo, Colorado and my dad, born in the same year, was raised in Northglenn, Colorado.  I have lived in and around Denver my whole life and am a fifth generation Coloradoan. My maternal grandmother is a Daughter of the American Revolution (and so are my mom and my own daughter by extension) and still lives in Pueblo in the house my grandfather built where my mom and aunts grew up.  My dad’s mom is from England (born in Detroit, raised near London) and lived there during World War II. She would tell us stories about her brother blowing himself up with a bomb they found in the street, and living off rations with foil and other things covering every inch of the windows on the house so that bomber planes wouldn’t see the light and have a target at night.  Her mother was suffocated to death during a robbery before I was born. These things and the fact that she was so different from my other family made her a very interesting person in my eyes. My mom’s dad was always one of my favorite relatives because he was sort of mysterious, and he was fun even though he got mad at my cousins and me for stealing his cigarettes and talking when he’s watching TV.  He died from aggressive enphesyma, but I think that losing his ability to work and retire from the steel mill properly is what really killed him.

III Early Life (ages 1-6)

The earliest memories that I can recall are things like the first day of First grade at Lucas Elementary school when I couldn’t find my class and the strong wind blowing that day took the air out of my throat and I wanted to give up before it even started.  I remember running around naked with my half-brother after a bath in a hotel on a family trip (the one we took to Disneyland that I don’t remember anything else from, I think) and my mom asking me if I was ready for kindergarten the summer before it started while she put clothes away in my new brother, Michael’s room.  Like I said before, I spent a lot of time with my half-brother Justin. We harassed babysitters, and climbed to the top of things, or into spaces we probably shouldn’t. I remember when we lived in Westminster, we lived near Stanley Lake, and Justin and I would ride our bikes out of the neighborhood and out to the storm drains and overflow pipes for the lake.  Thinking back, this was probably extremely dangerous. We would crawl down into the underground system of concrete pipes and see how far we could go into the blackness before the light at the other end disappeared behind us. Good thing there was never a flash-flood.

In second grade I got in the first trouble I can remember getting into at school.  I had to have a meeting with Mrs. Pennington and my parents about why honesty was important after I tried to steal a couple of lunch money envelopes.  I was a 6 year old with sticky fingers, I guess. I liked MC Hammer and Arrested Development and Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal as a kid. Michael is the reason I became a White Sox fan (the Rockies didn’t start playing until I was about 9).  The only other significant thing that I remember right now about this time in my life is the time I almost was killed by a piece Christmas candy, standing alone in the kitchen unable to breath until my dad rushed in and threw the Heimlich maneuver on me.

IV Later Life (ages 7-15)

My family and I moved out of our first house on Jellison in Westminster so that my parents could overextend themselves and fight about money more so that I and my brothers could go to better schools and whatever else.  Boulder County baby! Or whatever. Damn hippies and yuppies everywhere. Except we liked the hippies and some of our parents were (and still are) yuppies. This is where life began for me in many ways.

After we moved I attended the last three years of elementary at one school and then 6th grade at one school and 7th and 8th at another.  This is the time in my life I got into things that I won’t share with other adults because of how much they judge and evaluate others, even when they say they aren’t that sort of person.  The more a person professes to be good at a thing, often the worse they are in reality at it.

I went through a lot of the things that still sort of mess up my head, which messes up relationships and success and everything running smoothly.  I wouldn’t change many of what I went through, especially the stuff I put myself through, because I think that’s how I learn. But I also think that the people who claim they wouldn’t change anything about their past are liars or didn’t have half the drama they pretend to have had.  Or maybe that many people are just better at this life thing than I am.

I started driving the car my dad gave me for staying out of trouble and getting good grades until graduation before it was legal for me to do so.  I started working. First at Dairy Queen, for three days, and then Pizza Hut for the next 36 months until I left for another opportunity at King Soopers after I finished high school.  Some opportunity that ended up being.

IV Later Life Part 2 (ages 16-21)

I spent four or five years not talking to my dad and not seeing my brothers and that fucking sucked and still does because I missed a lot of their lives and it affects my relationships with them to this day.  I moved out when I was barely 18 and lived with a girlfriend for a few months until we got our first apartment together on Broadway and Bannock. My car got broken into in the alley parking spaces there. The worst part of that shit is that they sometimes steal your insurance cards and registration forms and you have to get that replaced.  My stereo was stolen out of that car while I was at work too. Best reason I know not to spend a lot of money on a nice stereo.

IV Later Life Part 3 (ages 21-present)

I turned 21 and got married two years later, bought my first house with the wife, had a kid a year after that, then another a couple years more, and now here I am!  Still owe 18 thousand dollars in student loans and still living through this existential crisis, one day at a time. I met my wife when I was 21. Thank goodness for The Mirage and their pool tables.

V Memorable Events

Some of the more memorable events for me are the things I am least willing to share, especially here.  Some of my best and worst memories are things that people, especially teachers, are supposed to pretend not to even know about.  One thing that sucks and that I am still dealing with is removing Justin from my life. Something positive is gaining skills and confidence as a dad and in social situations as I grow and try to get better at those things.  

I remember the time my brother punched me while I was driving us home because he was mad at me for defending myself against his misdirected anger and the time he robbed me in front of my girlfriend and Heather’s mom’s cocaine psychosis and borrowing money I didn’t have from Wells Fargo and quitting my job after hallucinating and falling asleep at the wheel of my stepdad’s truck.  I remember my dad slapping me for asking him, “What the hell?!” and not seeing or talking to him for years. I remember wasting time and money and brain cells and I remember being more patient and life feeling easier and slower. I remember pretending to be a tiger and mom being disinterested and I remember dad saying no when I asked him to play catch so that was the last time I asked.  I remember that mom and dad and especially mom always said I gave up too easy. I guess they gave up on helping me work through that. I remember pretending to have a girlfriend in elementary school who was really just a crush and I bet now that pretty, blonde girl with big green eyes named Olivia Perez doesn’t remember me at all.

VI Description of Me

I like that I care about others and am a loving person.  I like that I am a white male in the United States, though that isn’t something I accomplished.  I like that I have never doubted wanting to be a dad.  I like that I have family who has been mostly healthy and there for me a lot, but I also like that I feel confident in taking care of my own life and doing things my own way.

I have always been a pretty shy person and that has developed into full blown social anxiety and clinical depression, but I also don’t like

VII Like and Dislikes

I like pizza and I like it with almost any topping.  I like baseball (Go Rockies!) and girls with dark colored hair (Go Wife!).  I like sushi and all sorts of music and I like to draw and paint. I also like to write and have a strong appreciation of words and language.  I like to find the proper state of mind, a sort of meditative state, get outside somewhere and try to appreciate the air entering my chest and the air moving over my body.  This is a time when life feels manageable and easy. If I can quiet my mind and forget the stress and get out my own thoughts, it’s easier, at least for that moment.

I like to play videogames.  Some of my favorites are Hitman, God of War, Fallout, and Metal Gear.

VIII Feelings

I often feel frustrated and trapped or pigeon-holed.  Like I’m in the wrong place or time or both or like I am missing something.  I feel passionate about human rights and mental illness and addiction. I, surprise, have strong feelings about education and reading and writing.

IX Others

The way others perceive me is an interesting thing to think about, even if it is one of those things that also screws up my head at times.  

X Future Plans

As I continue to grapple and struggle with my own mortality, fragility, and frustration, I hope to live a long time.  Sometimes life feels pointless and if not pointless, meaningless or insignificant. But I always go back to thinking that I want more of it.  When I realize the whole weekend went by and I barely spent any time with my kids and soon Elijah will be in Kindergarten and Sophie in Third Grade and I realize I have barely spent any time with my kids and then I know that soon they’ll be more interested in friends than mommy and daddy and then maybe the saving grace is more time to myself and with my wife, who I have not known as well since we decided to be parents together.

So in addition to living a long life - and I do want that as long as I can be healthy enough - I want my kids to grow up happy and be happier adults than I am (hopefully the world will still be habitable for my grandkids).